Thursday, March 23, 2006

Everyone Has a Breaking Point

I am back from NY y'all. Actually, I've been back since late Monday night. I wasn't supposed to be coming back to Maryland until today (well, yesterday...since I'm posting this well past midnight), but plans changed...DRASTICALLY, as well as DRAMATICALLY. While in NY on my visit, it was made crystal clear to me that be it friend, foe or family...everyone has a breaking point. Because my breaking point came without a conscious warning, I needed a couple of days to recover before I even thought about posting...."anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."

For the sake of brevity, I am the youngest of four girls (this has briefly been touched on previously and will be mentioned again, I'm sure, with a more detailed explanation). Although I am the baby of the family, at 30 years old I am almost certain that I am no longer a "baby." My sister, whom I was visiting, has some difficulty remembering this. What's worse is that up until this weekend I, in her prescence, would actually revert to being a child - enabling her tyranny! I had become so accustomed to her "get that, do this, come here, go there, give me, take that, you should, you better, why didn't you" that I forgot that I was not a bear, I was not wearing a party hat and I damn sure wasn't riding a unicycle!

Keep in mind folks, that this is not my oldest sister...this isn't even my second-to-oldest sister...this is the sister that is only 5 years older than me!!!

But it doesn't end there...on top of her bossiness, she suffers from anxiety, extreme moodiness, post-partum depression and, in my opinion, has a slight case of OCD. So she is bossing me around with a nasty attitude and scowled face as she follows behind me writing my initials on the cap of my bottled water! Now, because of all of her many issues, I have always gone to her house walking on egg shells...wondering if I'm saying the right thing, sitting the right way, doing things correctly, saying something get the idea. And to make sure that I don't upset her, every request that she made of me would be done immediately. So why she is so combative, nasty, crass and rude to me is BEYOND me!

From what I can recall, I let about four incidents slide off my back this weekend...but when she got to her fifth and most was time to go. And what an exit it was!

My mother, bless her heart, hates to see her daughters at odds. But she also understands the aforementioned situation, and couldn't blame me for wanting to leave. However, she was torn...she loves both of her daughters, hadn't seen either of us in some time and didn't want to have to give up one for the other. Since I seemed to be the most distraught (I had a break down for real y'all), she wanted to leave with me but I wouldn't let her. One, because she was there to spend time with her new grandson and I didn't want to cut that time short. Two, because my sister had already purchased a plane ticket for her to fly home this coming weekend and no one has money to just throw down the drain. And Three, I just needed to be alone. So picture me in tears trying to grab my bags and explain my feelings/vent to my mother. My mom is crying trying to keep me from leaving in the state that I was in. And my sister is coming in and out of the room, on the defensive, saying her "peace" (and I use that word VERY lightly) and not letting anyone get a word in edgewise. It was ugly...BEYOND ugly...especially since my 5 year old nephew had be witness to this madness.

Without the play-by-play, I know this might seem very trival. However, this wasn't the first time that my sister has worn me out with orders, treated & talked to me like I was her 5 year old, been rude & nasty and then became irrationally defensive when called out. This is a sister who, after I had been living across country for years and had traveled 3000 miles for a visit, offended me and when I threatened to leave stated, " one asked you to come here anyway." Are you serious? I don't know how, but THAT time my mother was able to convince me to stay. This time, however, was a COMPLETELY different story.

My mother likes to remind me that "she doesn't mean to hurt your feelings." I don't buy that. I used to, until I witnessed her being sweet as pie to extended family, her friends and co-workers. I realize, especially with the post-partum, that in order to do this she may have to exert extra energy...but if there is anyone who deserves that extra's the immediate family who was there for her through thick and and night...for ups and downs. I think priorities are a bit out of whack when you wish that your family would treat you the same way they do strangers.

So there I was in lounge clothes, hungry and pissed off at 6:30 PM (in the mddle of "Cash Cab"...more on that later, I promise) hopping in my car to head back to the "urea."

Surprisingly, though, I was not hurt over the arguement with my sister. I was not hurt that I told her that she would never see me again. I was hurt that I had to leave my mother and nephews like I did. But, I know that I am learning how to "take care of me" because no matter how hurt I was...I wasn't going to stay there and take that kind of abuse...not for my nephews...not even for my mother. Not this time....Not ever again! Visiting family is supposed to be a peaceful experience...a soft place to land. And I'm even tolerant of a few spats here and there. But the second it becomes a war zone, I'm OUTRO!

The sad part about this thing, too, is that I'm going through my own valley right now. Although it is much needed, I'm going through a divorce AND I made sacrafices for that trip to NY that my family will never understand since they have no idea that I'm not working full time and that I'm working retail part time to make ends - not even "meet" - but come a bit closer. I haven't shared any of what I'm feeling or going through with them - one, because I don't really want to hear their criticism/opinions and two, because I don't want to burden them...this is my cross to bear. But no matter how thoughtful and reactive I am to others...I still get dumped on.

I haven't heard from my sister...and that's fine, because I'm not ready to talk to her yet. I don't know when I will be ready to talk to her, and I'm not rushing myself. I love my sister, but she has hurt me...repeatedly. I love spending time with family, but visiting her home is extremely stressful. I am on my Journey Back To Joy...and I refuse to take any it friend, foe or family...everyone has a breaking point!


At 6:53 AM, Blogger Sangindiva said...

I can relate to your post on SOOO many levels
too many to get into at 3:50 in the morning :)
But I have to say I reallllly like your blog.
Reading it is like talking to a good friend. Someone who is smart, genuine, funny and REAL.
Despite the subject matter of the post-
I still felt warm and welcomed. Really- like you
were my homegirl calling and telling me what happend :) Like- 'GUUURL- Can you BELIEVE this shyt???
I just wasn't havin' it. I was OUT- shiiiiiidd....'
I just want to say life certainly has peaks and valleys and although it might seem really low-this too shall pass. And when it does Oh the party you will have
laughing about how you made it over. KNOWING
that since you made it through-
you are walking in (and living ) your purpose.
Thank you for the kind words to my blog
I have bookmarked you and when I get a chancce to
update my links YOU most definitely have a spot!
OH- and yes I do know what it's like to be in LOVE :)
Congrats on your nephew!

At 8:35 AM, Blogger LUVIN ME said...

That is crazy that your sister would treat you that matter what has happened in the past, she must realize that family cannot be replaced. I don't blame you for leaving. It sounds like your sister is in denial, she is the only one that would not have been affected if you would have stayed. Unfortunately, the situation won't get any better until she accepts she has a problem.

I don't have any sisters, only a brother, and we NEVER argue, so I can only imagine what you must be going through.

I hope things get better for you...It's sad that your sister is not trying to be there for you, being that YOU are the one that is going through something and YOU are the one in need.

At 9:02 AM, Blogger Lāā said...

I sorry that you have been under so much stress and it was supposed to be a happy moment. You should probably write your sister a letter to get out all of the things that you are feeling. I know it will make you feel better. Maybe it will enlighten her.

At 11:15 AM, Blogger Rell said...

That is crazy, I can only imagine all the stress you're going through right now.

I knew about some of the stuff you mentioned, per our little talks but I didn't know about ALL of it.

I honestly can't relate because I don't have much experience with siblings who are rude and combative, my brother is 5 1/2 years older then me and is probably my best friend.

Where are you now?

Just always that remember (i know you don't wanna hear this but it keeps me so grounded and happy) that no matter how bad you have it, there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse.

I hope that everything works out and again just hit me up if you need to talk, just to distract your mind from things for a while.

I really can't give advice in this type of situation but hopefully I can cause a smile :-)

At 2:24 PM, Blogger TTD said...

sorry you had to experience that.. eventually she'll see her wrong in the situation... hope you feel better (mentally & emotionally)

At 4:58 PM, Blogger Darbs said...

You guys are the bestest blog friends ever!!!!

Sangin: I was really touched by your post. It really means a lot and I'm glad that I happened upon your site.

Luvin: You are right, this whole thing is crazy. Thanks for the encouragement.

Laa: Thanks for the letter idea...that just might work. I'll have to give that some more thought.

Rell: Thanks for stopping by my blog. It almost sounds as though you think you might know me personally, but I'm not sure about that. Hit me back if I'm wrong...but thanks commenting.

TTD: I can always count on your support...thank you so very much!

This too shall pass y'all...onward and upward!

At 9:03 PM, Blogger feels good b n FREE said...

this may be both the breaking and TURNING point

At 10:23 PM, Blogger Will said...

OK, there was nowhere else to leave this so I have to leave it here. I was checking out your favorite music. We are sooooooooo gonna be friends!!! LOL

Great blog as well. Thanks for sharing so much. :)

At 2:11 AM, Blogger Darbs said...

Diamonds: I think you might be right. Thanks for visiting my site!

Will: I sooooooo knew we would be friends...I was just waiting for you to realize that. Thanks for stopping by!

At 2:39 PM, Anonymous MzNewAgenda said...

Your sister and mine must be sisters from another mother. My sister flips out on you and then looks crazy when you don't call back. She flipped out on me this morning when I returned her phone call later than SHE thought I should *smh*. I have seen her treat folks in the street better than she does me so I know she is capable....but I just "shake it off" (and keep my distance)

At 5:51 PM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ MzNewAgenda: So you are feelin' me on this one? Good to know I'm in good company...I think!?!?!?! LOL. I'm keeping my distance...she came at me crazy on voicemail not too long ago and initially I started to trip, but I just let it roll off my back. I have not one, but two, sisters like this...go figure.


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