Wednesday, April 19, 2006

My Reality Checked

Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water....

So, I feel like I'm doing really well with moving onward and upward. And in all honesty, I really have to give myself credit because I'm doing a pretty kick ass job. But today, I was backslapped in the face with the reality of what is my still a part of my life at the moment...I. Am. Still. Angry.

I had to go by my old apartment today (the one that my soon-to-be-ex-husband still lives in) to pick up a couple of things of mine that I needed. Since the apartment technically still is mine too, I have left the majority of my things there instead of paying for storage...I refuse to add that expense to my list until absolutely necessary. When I go to the apartment, I try to be as quick as I possibly can...get in and get out so that I don't risk the chance of running into my soon-to...well, you know. But, I always take a minute to do a once over of the place just to make sure that what is supposed to be there still is (I don't fear that he would ever be evil enough to damage my property...but hey, you just never know).

Okay...now we're getting to the good part...

During my "inventory" I noticed something missing...but it wasn't anything of mine exactly. It was condoms...approximately three if my memory serves me correctly. Then I started to notice other things...like: the apartment was relatively clean (based on my last three or four visits, you would have thought a serial killer lived there) and there was a new candle on the dresser...that had been lit! * Blink, blink.........blink* Huh???

You would think that this would be the cause of the anger that I mentioned earlier...but it's not. Do I care that he might be having sex on the bed/mattress that is going with me when I find a new place? HELL YES...I have no idea who she is, where she's been or what she has. However, do I care that he is having sex? ABSOLUTELY NOT! In all actuality, his having sex (which is still considered adultery since we are not officially divorced) could speed up the process of us going our separate ways if, and that's a BIG IF, he was willing to admit to it. Ummmm....yeah....about that...

Anyway, I run a few more errands and head back home...my current home that is. I noticed, from the caller ID, that he has called but didn't leave a message. This is weird because we strictly communicate via text message and email...the less face-to-face encounters, the less drama. I check my email and I have a message from him regarding a financial obligation that he's supposed to be tending to...but that's a WHOLE other story. His email calls for me to respond...which I do.

But you KNOW I had to put a little sumthin' on it...

I mention the "disappearing act" to him and tell him that I'm cool if that's what he has chosen to do and that we can have this marriage dissolved a lot quicker if he would be willing to admit to what he had done (requirement of the court). I really meant that...and I wasn't mean, I wasn't nasty, I didn't give attitude. I know that some might view this as me not being "okay" with it, or still "having feelings for him," or not being "over" the situation...but it is nothing like that at all...TRUST ME! I just thought I would throw it against the wall to see if it would stick...see if he would suprise me and admit it so that I could collect my Get Out of Jail Free card.

ANGER ENTERS STAGE LEFT...

Why, oh why, did I give him the benefit of the doubt? Why did I think that I would get anything different than what I've gotten before? Why did I think that this second (and final) round of separation would cause him to grow up?

My email prompted an email back from him and he lied...as usual. Was childish...as usual. Put it back on me...as usual. Played the victim...as usual.

Pushed my buttons...AS USUAL!

THAT is what makes me angry...I still let his foolishness get to me. I still feel like I have to defend myself and state what we BOTH know is true about the kind of person I am and the kind of wife I was to him. I still let his little "shots" frustrate me. So much so that I went back and forth with him...at least three rounds of emails...and I knew that was EXACTLY what he wanted me to do!!!

The following things I know for sure:

1. I am no longer in love with this man...I don't even love him. I like him okay, but that's even questionable at times.
2. I no longer owe him ANYTHING...well, maybe I'll rephrase that to "VERY MUCH" because we still have some joint obligations that I will not turn my back on.
3. I am not dealing with the most rational, considerate, objective or mature individual.
4. He is very much aware of how to vex me...and he will do so any chance he can get.
5. It only sets me back on my journey when I fall into his traps and get worked up over nonsense.

Soooooo...if I am certain of all of the above, then why do I sill do it? Why am I so angry? Why do I still want to fight? Why do I allow him get to me? Part of me thinks that I cannot stand to think that people have misunderstood me (even though I know full well he doesn't really believe the things he says...but I feel there is always that possibility that he could). The other part of me thinks that I just want revenge. I want pay backs. I want to make him feel as bad as he has made me feel.

Regardless of why I do it, the bottom line is that I need to let go of this anger...this desire to avenge. But when you love as hard and as deeply as I do...when you put your needs second to the needs of another...when you strive each day to make someone else's life easier and more enjoyable...when you do these things and more, and that someone proves to be undeserving, unappreciative and totally oblivious...you feel cheated.

I was cheated. And I don't say that in a "woe is me" kinda way, but a "matter-of-fact" kinda way. I was cheated and that, be it justified or not...whether it makes sense or not, makes me angry.

Reality? Check!

19 Comments:

At 9:17 AM, Anonymous MzNewAgenda said...

wow Darbs...I am so sorry you are going through this...on a side note...I would take my stuff to storage and let him screw on the floor. *blank stare* I would suck up the expense and not let him bed someone in my bed and on my stuff.

 
At 9:18 AM, Anonymous MzNewAgenda said...

BTW Thanks for the love you showed me during the past few days (((hug)))

 
At 9:33 AM, Blogger Tracie B. said...

why are you still angry? why do you still want to fight? why do you let him get to you?

BECAUSE YOU'RE HUMAN!

give it a little more time...and a good glass of wine...and thanks for the comment and thoughts that you left on my site :)

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger LUVIN ME said...

Love is one emotion that triggers other emotions. You loved this man, at one point, very deeply. He didn't do the same in return. Hate is the direct opposite of love. In your efforts not to hate him,you become angry...The energy has to go somewhere. Anger is just the bi-product...

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ MzNewAgenda: Believe me, as soon as I can get my stuff out of there I am! And no thanks necessary...it's all about love in blogland (atleast for me it is). Hope you are in good spirits!

@ Tracie: You are right...thanks for reminding me. Sometimes I feel as thought I have to be SUPERhuman. Amen on the wine...I can go for a glass RIGHT now...it's noon somewhere, right? LOL!

@ Luvin: VERY insightful...thanks for the support. I'm beginning to think that the opposite of love is indifference and hate falls somewhere in between. I'm trying to get to that indifference state where NOTHING he can do will bother me! *Sigh* One day...

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Actor Smurf said...

Darbs-You have every right to be upset...I just started reading your blog so I dont know why the marriage fizzled but as for him sleeping around on you while your "seperated" on YOUR bed..my bf told me that when he caught his ex screwing around on the bed he FORCED him to buy him a new bed...as for your ex and his childish ways, that in itself shows you he is guilty...yoru better without him...as for the anger...anger in your heart will consume you love..so light a candle, put on some ambient music and just lay there thinking of blue skies and peaceful days...you can only do so much before you have to just take time to yourself to reflect how much better your lfe will be without the poison he kept dropping on you...

Hugs

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ Actor: What kind and inspiring words...you are absolutely right. Peace makes an appearance in my life every once in a while...getting it to stay has been my challenge, but I'm getting there. Support and advice from fellow bloggers like you help so much! Thanks.

 
At 2:53 PM, Blogger Sangindiva said...

Awww Darbs...
I know that divorce can be hard and horrible :(
II mean even if you could just turn all of your emotions off
it would still hurt because it's like trying to rip apart two glued pieces of paper... there will be scars.
It's o.k to go through all of the emotions necessary to get
your joy back... Kick,scream, cuss, yell, cry-
do what you must to let it out, so that your heart and
your steps will be lighter as you continue your journey.

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger The Sarccastik Variable Why said...

you hear the ol' skoolers refer to it as "Let go and Let god"..i think that's how it goes...pray about the anger leaving you and a "fresh" start....sounds like dude "did you in" pretty good....hate to hear about more divorces/separations...

 
At 3:33 PM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ Sangin': I try not to be too hard on myself about feeling the way that I do...but it can be so damn confusing/frustrating/annoying sometimes. And you are right, I do need to let it out more. One of the conditions I developed being with him is holding everything inside because I don't think anyone cares...but I'm making progress and this blog is helping me do that. Thanks for the comforting words.

@ Sarccastik: Thank you for visiting! I remain prayerful and I know that, when they are supposed to be, my prayers will be answered. And he did do quite a bit of damage, but he didn't destroy me completely...it's just temporary. I have a lot of love to give...and as long as I keep enough for myself, I will continue to share my love with those who are deserving.

 
At 6:04 PM, Blogger TTD said...

screw him! i'm w/ MzNewAgenda.. pack ur stuff up girl!! how dare he sleep w/ someone else on YOUR bed.. im praying for you girl...

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ TTD: Although he denies it, I know what's up. I was with him for six years...he ain't foolin' nobody. Thanks for the prayers...I need 'em girl!

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe said...

Hieee. First time here. Don't wanna cuss, but fuggem' girl.

You have every right to be angry, but that's all the reason you need to pray.

That man knows what he messed up, and that's his childish way of seeing if you still care... he's angry too, cuz he thinks you should STILL care.

Don't waste anymore vital years on him. Butcha yanno somethin'? God sends the decoys our way, so we can truly appreciate the real ones that find us.

Stay blessed.

Tiki

 
At 7:27 PM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ Tiki: First, thanks for stopping by...I had seen your name somewhere else and it made me chuckle...Love.The.Color.Purple...know it word for word.

On a more serious note, your words sent chills through me. So on point. It's funny because as painful as this whole ordeal has been, I am so excited because I know the best is yet to come! Just thinking about that makes me giddy :o)

I hope you won't be a stranger...

 
At 4:27 PM, Blogger chele said...

Of course you're still angry. The pain is still fresh and not loving him anymore is not going to make the pain stop any quicker.

I got divorced in 2001 and just this year was I able to stop being angry at my ex. I'm hardheaded, though. Maybe you won't be.

If I were you, I would go ahead and bite the bullet and get ALL my stuff out of the apartment. Going back over there just reminds you of a painful situation. Make a clean break, girl.

 
At 10:52 PM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ Chele: Thanks for visiting my site and for your insight. You all are right and as soon as I can remove my things, I will...that just hasn't been #1 on my list of priorities given my limited funds at the moment.

 
At 11:18 PM, Blogger The Black Sheep said...

So, if none of your other gigs work out, you definitely have a great future as a writer. I really like your blog.

If nothing else good comes out of your marriage and divorce, at least you'll know that you helped (and/or entertained) a lot of people who are going through similar situations through your honesty and insight.

God bless,
Dennis

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ Dennis: Thank you for visiting and for such kind words...you really know how to make a person feel special :o)

"If I can help somebody as I travel along...My living shall not be in vain."

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger Shug said...

Girl, I feel your pain. This is something that I'm struggling with myself. It's something we all go through. I believe men do things like this just to try and see where your head is.

Thanks for stopping by the blog! Hope you come back for another visit.

 

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