My Reality Checked

Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water....

So, I feel like I'm doing really well with moving onward and upward. And in all honesty, I really have to give myself credit because I'm doing a pretty kick ass job. But today, I was backslapped in the face with the reality of what is my still a part of my life at the moment...I. Am. Still. Angry.

I had to go by my old apartment today (the one that my soon-to-be-ex-husband still lives in) to pick up a couple of things of mine that I needed. Since the apartment technically still is mine too, I have left the majority of my things there instead of paying for storage...I refuse to add that expense to my list until absolutely necessary. When I go to the apartment, I try to be as quick as I possibly can...get in and get out so that I don't risk the chance of running into my soon-to...well, you know. But, I always take a minute to do a once over of the place just to make sure that what is supposed to be there still is (I don't fear that he would ever be evil enough to damage my property...but hey, you just never know).

Okay...now we're getting to the good part...

During my "inventory" I noticed something missing...but it wasn't anything of mine exactly. It was condoms...approximately three if my memory serves me correctly. Then I started to notice other things...like: the apartment was relatively clean (based on my last three or four visits, you would have thought a serial killer lived there) and there was a new candle on the dresser...that had been lit! * Blink, blink.........blink* Huh???

You would think that this would be the cause of the anger that I mentioned earlier...but it's not. Do I care that he might be having sex on the bed/mattress that is going with me when I find a new place? HELL YES...I have no idea who she is, where she's been or what she has. However, do I care that he is having sex? ABSOLUTELY NOT! In all actuality, his having sex (which is still considered adultery since we are not officially divorced) could speed up the process of us going our separate ways if, and that's a BIG IF, he was willing to admit to it. Ummmm....yeah....about that...

Anyway, I run a few more errands and head back home...my current home that is. I noticed, from the caller ID, that he has called but didn't leave a message. This is weird because we strictly communicate via text message and email...the less face-to-face encounters, the less drama. I check my email and I have a message from him regarding a financial obligation that he's supposed to be tending to...but that's a WHOLE other story. His email calls for me to respond...which I do.

But you KNOW I had to put a little sumthin' on it...

I mention the "disappearing act" to him and tell him that I'm cool if that's what he has chosen to do and that we can have this marriage dissolved a lot quicker if he would be willing to admit to what he had done (requirement of the court). I really meant that...and I wasn't mean, I wasn't nasty, I didn't give attitude. I know that some might view this as me not being "okay" with it, or still "having feelings for him," or not being "over" the situation...but it is nothing like that at all...TRUST ME! I just thought I would throw it against the wall to see if it would stick...see if he would suprise me and admit it so that I could collect my Get Out of Jail Free card.

ANGER ENTERS STAGE LEFT...

Why, oh why, did I give him the benefit of the doubt? Why did I think that I would get anything different than what I've gotten before? Why did I think that this second (and final) round of separation would cause him to grow up?

My email prompted an email back from him and he lied...as usual. Was childish...as usual. Put it back on me...as usual. Played the victim...as usual.

Pushed my buttons...AS USUAL!

THAT is what makes me angry...I still let his foolishness get to me. I still feel like I have to defend myself and state what we BOTH know is true about the kind of person I am and the kind of wife I was to him. I still let his little "shots" frustrate me. So much so that I went back and forth with him...at least three rounds of emails...and I knew that was EXACTLY what he wanted me to do!!!

The following things I know for sure:

1. I am no longer in love with this man...I don't even love him. I like him okay, but that's even questionable at times.
2. I no longer owe him ANYTHING...well, maybe I'll rephrase that to "VERY MUCH" because we still have some joint obligations that I will not turn my back on.
3. I am not dealing with the most rational, considerate, objective or mature individual.
4. He is very much aware of how to vex me...and he will do so any chance he can get.
5. It only sets me back on my journey when I fall into his traps and get worked up over nonsense.

Soooooo...if I am certain of all of the above, then why do I sill do it? Why am I so angry? Why do I still want to fight? Why do I allow him get to me? Part of me thinks that I cannot stand to think that people have misunderstood me (even though I know full well he doesn't really believe the things he says...but I feel there is always that possibility that he could). The other part of me thinks that I just want revenge. I want pay backs. I want to make him feel as bad as he has made me feel.

Regardless of why I do it, the bottom line is that I need to let go of this anger...this desire to avenge. But when you love as hard and as deeply as I do...when you put your needs second to the needs of another...when you strive each day to make someone else's life easier and more enjoyable...when you do these things and more, and that someone proves to be undeserving, unappreciative and totally oblivious...you feel cheated.

I was cheated. And I don't say that in a "woe is me" kinda way, but a "matter-of-fact" kinda way. I was cheated and that, be it justified or not...whether it makes sense or not, makes me angry.

Reality? Check!