Friday, May 12, 2006

The Haps


Gotta. Love. Eric B. and Rakim!!!

I'm back folks...and hopefully I'll be back on a more regular schedule again. Next on my agenda, after I finish this post, is catching up on the lives of my favorite people listed to the right of screen...I haven't forgotten about a single person as you all have kept me in good company throughout my journey thus far.

So here's the haps of my life since the post before no particular order:

1. I spoke with a dear friend of mine recently who, sadly, is also in the midst of a divorce. She and her husband have been married for a little over five years...maybe six. Let's call her HS (bka - "Haitian Sensation") They have a four year old son, which is one of a few factors that makes her situation more complex than mine. I found out she was getting a divorce about two months ago and, unfortunately, just got around to calling to check in on her. She is a rock...I must say...and her strength and courage is contagious. Although I love and appreciate the advice of my family and friends (present company included), it was comforting to talk to someone (especially a person that I love so dearly and know so well) who I feel knows the EXACT place in which I stand. We both are gonna make it through...and make it through wiser and stronger than ever before! I shared my blogging experience with her and have encouraged her to give it a who may be hearing from her soon!

2. I saw "him." As you know from earlier posts, I have tried my best not to see my soon-to-be-ex, communicating via e-mail, text messages and voicemail (in extreme cases) only. Trying to have a conversation with him live and in living color would be a recipe for disaster. But I was leaving the grocery store near my old apartment and I saw him from over a block away. His back was to me, but he has a very distinctive walk and I would know it from a mile away. I recognized his get up...he had been out running. What wasn't recognizable, however, was the female he was walking and chatting with. I'm not gonna lie, it stung. But not in the "I want you back" kinda way, but rather the "are you serious???" kinda way. I said a quick prayer and asked God to let the feeling roll off my back just as easily as I rolled right past him. IF they were/are "together" - he's her problem now...God bless her. But...who knows? I don't know the real/true story...and don't really care to know. It did cause me to have a nightmare though *shiver*...but only one.

3. Perfect segue...I can offically file for my "limited divorce" (which is a legal separation in most other states other than cockamamy Maryland...yeah, I said "cockamamy"). As of about a week ago, I met the requirement of being a resident of Maryland for one year. The papers have been filled out and I'm just waiting for the issues surrounding my vehicle to be settled between the two of us. I'm hoping we can get that squared away in the next couple of days so I can be one more step closer to having my life back. Pray for me y'all!

4. Having learned of hap #1 (in addition to the others), it got me thinking: There is not a single person in my generation, that I know personally, in a marriage made up of "real love...ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love" (to quote Carrie Bradshaw). Does it exist? I mean, I hate to sound like a cynic...but does it? I'm talking about "my husband and I are best friends, get chills every time we look into each others eyes, would rather argue with one another than love anyone else, won't go to bed angry, giggle like school children, put God and the other person before themselves, can't wait to see your face and feel the peace of our home after work, you know what I need even before I know I need it, I want to have your baby because our love can produce nothing short of wonderful...I want to grow old with YOU by my side" kinda love. Pleeeease...someone...tell me that it exists. Because that's what I's what I pray's what I deserve. In the meantime, I'll love myself like that so that I can provide the example of how I need to be loved...then Mr. Right (whoever he might end up being) can just follow suit.

Well, that about sums it up. All of the above events, and their relative thoughts...feelings...emotions, along with the ususal "day-to-days" are what rendered me blog disabled.

But, I'm back in the game...well rested and refreshed!!!


At 12:19 AM, Blogger African girl, American world said...

Hey girl...sorry bout the nightmare! I love your honesty here - don't you hate when shit stings?

Regarding #4 - yes girl it exists. The husband annoys the heck out of me and some days I want to straight hurt him but it never lasts long. I want to grow old with him and evolve with him and watch our boys become men together.

I'm glad you realized that you needed to get out of your marriage and I urge you to keep love alive...experience is one heck of a teacher.


At 12:34 AM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ Mwabi: Yes, I hate it with a passion. However, I am elated to hear that you and your hubby have that kind of love...keeps me hopeful.

At 6:30 AM, Blogger chele said...

Make sure you don't lose touch with HS ... it's always helpful to have a support system that can not only sympathize but also empathize.

Does that kind of love exist? I don't know. But since I'm divorced I'll lean toward saying no. Or maybe it does but it's just limited. If you were to ask my ex-husband, he would swear up and down that he loved me that way ... well then why did he cheat on me? His definition is that love conquers all. Love can even get through infidelity. I know a lot of people that subscribe to that notion. He actually told me that he believed that we would always stay together no matter what he did.

I couldn't do it.

In my mind, if our love is ridiculous, consuming and you can't live without me, than you won't stray. I don't know if that kind of love exists. My palms don't need to get sweaty and my heartbeat doesn't have to quicken every time. I want to be respected. I want to be cared for. I want someone that I can trust completely. I want someone that I'm comfortable with. I may have found that ... only time will tell.

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ Chele: I do plan on staying very close to are right about empathy. I once saw a sign that read: Empathy is YOUR pain in MY heart. I know she truly feels my pain and I, hers.

And I'm so sorry about how/why your marriage ended. Your ex was quite delusional to say the very least. glad you got out of that situation.

In terms of the respect, caring and trust...those are foundations on which every relationship should be built...they are "givens". What I speak of in this post, is the cherry on top. I want the cherry on top. I don't have to have it EVERY time I have an ice cream sundae...that's the difference between "fantasy" and "reality"...but I sure would like to have one more often than not.

AND...just something to think about...I don't know if there is any validity to this, but if you had absolute respect, deep caring and unwaivering trust...wouldn't you get the cherry by default?

Given my current state of affairs, what do I really know? I guess that was the purpose of posing my find out just how many have experienced...and just how many believe.

And...I really hope that you have found whatever it is that makes YOU happy...keep us posted.

At 12:35 PM, Blogger Chosen said...

That kinda love exists. I watch too many people who have it. I realize that for me--I simply failed to wait on G-d. All the issues I see now are things that I felt my spouse would evolve from.

I see people who have that kinda love and they all say the same thing--they got it after they failed a previous time and only the second or third after they decided that they were clueless to what they really wanted and needed. They all decided to wait on G-d and a confirmation in their spirit that this person was it.

Be Blessed.

At 12:43 PM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ Chosen: AMEN! Thanks for visiting my site and leaving such an inspiring message! I'm going to be patient...cause next time, if there is a next's gonna be REAL!

At 6:11 PM, Blogger TTD said...

it does exist.. you just cant force it.. i have it (not the marriage part.. yet anyways) but i've learned in my experience & my friends.. that when you try to force something as opposed to letting it happen naturally, that's when the problems appear.. give it time, it'll come for you!

At 12:19 AM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ TTD: I totally agree with you in regards to not forcing anything...I'm all over that. I'm at a place where if I'm alone for the rest of my life...I would be fine with that. But if love should finally find me, this is the kind of love that I want.

At 12:20 PM, Blogger Actor Smurf said...

WElcome back were missed...your building a fortress with your strength..keep it up!


At 9:36 PM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ Actor: Thanks dear!

At 5:43 PM, Blogger Expat Traveler said...

hey darbs - first time visiting... And reading from your post, I do hope you get through this. I've had a few long term relationships and for a while I really hated men and doubted them. I was mentally abused in the last relationship which prompted me to move across the ocean. I'm married now 5 months so we are still totally newlyweds but we can't wait to see each other and are gitty and do all that stuff still...

I think there is hope when you have chemistry with someone and know you want to grow with each other even later in life. Since you are my age, you've got time so don't worry! You sound like a great person so I'm sure it won't be that hard... :)

At 6:15 PM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ Expat: Thanks for visiting my blog...I really appreciate your support, advice and well wishes. I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that drama...but I'm so glad that you have found love! Congrats to you and the hubby and keep enjoying one another! I'm hopeful and believe that I will find "the one" that is perfect for me.

Don't be a stranger...please stop by again!

At 10:18 PM, Blogger Expat Traveler said...

darbs - I will for sure. Anytime you need a smile you can stop by as I'm sure it will brighten your day. :)

At 7:37 AM, Blogger Darbs said...

@ Expat: Will do!


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